Small Atonement
by Mirder Mystery
Summary: That fateful scene in the tent, in Eclipse, where Edward opens himself up to Jacob, of all people. This is that scene from Edward's point of view. :


**I'm backkk! And yes, I am one of _those_ girls. Those Twihards. So...yeah. ;) In honor of the premiere tomorrow night (Which I am going see with two of my best friends! I haven't seen them in like a month, because I moved, so I am super excited!) I have posted my favorite seen from Eclipse. That fateful, beautiful, enlightening tent scene from Edward's point of view. Because we all know we want to read what the heck he was thinking! **

Another one of Jacob's fantasies racked my mind. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to dismember him. My self-control was dwindling, so very quickly. It nearly came to the point where the idea seemed one that I would be unable to resist. But I held on. Certainly not for him, but for her. As agonizing a thought it was, killing the mutt would hurt her. Probably more than even she was aware. And that was the one thing that halted me in my fantasies. Because to see such pain in Bella, to watch it. Knowing that I caused the torment coursing through her. I knew I couldn't take that. I knew that would be my downfall. If I couldn't annihilate the mongrel, then I was forced to stop his infuriating mental images. "_Please!_" I hissed. Not quite sure my self-control could handle anything past such. "Do you _mind_!

"What?" The boy seemed entirely unaware of his utter wrongdoing. Or perhaps he just saw no error in his ways. And if that were the case, I would be sure to be so kind as to demonstrate the consequences. I mean, to each their own. And he would just have to find _his _own.

"Do you think you could _attempt_ to control your thoughts?" I was sure my voice dripped with every ounce of the outrage that coursed through my lifeless veins.

"No one said you had to listen. Get out of my head." Jacob's defiance reflected just how young he truly was. But his embarrassment displayed that he did know he was in the wrong.

Perhaps he had simply forgotten I was in the room? Doubtful. I was sure his nostrils were burning with my proximity. Maybe just my significant…_ability_? More plausible. But not by much. No one ever tended to just forget those kinds of things. Desperate for a fight? Definitely possible. "I wish I could. You have no idea how loud your little fantasies are. It's like your shouting them at me." And it was. His thoughts were probably louder than his actual voice. Which was quite an accomplishment.

"I'll try to keep it down." The sarcasm in his whisper was almost as infuriating as the thoughts that had actually ceased. At least the child had some shame. _Your just jealous because you know you can't do any of that without killing her_, Jacob's inner voice taunted.

The thought saddened and angered in the same instant. Which, being the savage creature I am, is not a rare occurrence. But this…it hurt. "Yes. I'm jealous of that, too." I don't think I succeeded very well in not letting some of my pain escape into my voice. Jacob's smug return confirmed my suspicions.

"I figured it was like that. Sort of evens the playing field up a little, doesn't it?"

I tried to appear confident. Because I knew it did. But there was no way he needed to know that. I gave an arrogant chuckle. "In your dreams."

"You know, she could still change her mind," Jacob's voice goaded me. "Considering _all_ the things I can do with her that you can't. At least, not without killing her that is."

Had the boy fully lost his mind? It was not wise to taunt me to my breaking point. I was fully aware of the…_advantage_ he had against me. I didn't need a reminder. "Go to sleep, Jacob. You're starting to get on my nerves."

"I think I will. I'm really very comfortable." I was beginning to believe the child had no sense of self-preservation. But of course, I knew differently. He was simply desperate to fight me. And, perhaps, I was even more. His voice returned to my mind. _Bloodsucker sees everything in my head. Wish I could return the favor. But he'd never allow that. _

It was not a direct question. More of a challenge, I suppose. But, probably against my better judgment, I accepted. "Maybe I would."

Jacob almost sounded surprised. "But would you be honest?"

I smirked. I didn't exactly pride myself on honesty, but perhaps the boy deserved some for tonight. "You could always ask and see." He was right. I was a constant invasion of privacy on everyone surrounding me. Maybe this could be a small atonement.

"Well, you see inside my head- let me see inside yours tonight. It's only fair."

I would let him have that one. Hadn't I just admitted that to myself, anyway? "Your head is full of questions. Which one do you want me to answer?"

Jacob contemplated for a second. "The jealousy…it _has_ to be eating at you. You can't be as sure of yourself as you seen. Unless you have no emotions at all."

That was a disarming first question, but I should have expected as much. I had promised him honesty. And while I may not always be truthful, I am certainly a man of my word. "Of course it is. Right now it's so bad I can barely control my voice." More than you know, mongrel. "Of course, it's even worse when she's away from me, with you, and I can't see her."

"Do you think about it all the time?" Jacob whispered. "Does it make it hard to concentrate when she's not with you?" He almost sounded…insecure? I didn't think I was imagining that. He was, apparently, searching for confirmation that what he was feeling was all right. Oh, adolescence. What harm you have on the soul!

"Yes and no." He had asked for honesty, I was determined to provide. If I had to give him a lesson on the inner workings of the vampire mind, then so be it. "My mind doesn't work quite the same as yours. I can think of many more things at one time. Of course that means that I'm _always_ able to think of you, always able to wonder if that where her mind is, when she's quiet and thoughtful."

_Bella thinks of me? _I was certainly right about the insecurity. No matter how extremely cocky this boy's exterior may seem, he knew his place. And for that, I was abundantly thankful. "Yes, I would guess that she thinks about you often. More often than I like. She worries that you're unhappy. Not that you don't know that. Not that you don't _use_ that."

"I have to use whatever I can. I'm not working with your advantages- advantages like her knowing she's in love with you." Jacob's voice was low, so as not to wake Bella.

"That helps," I agreed. I didn't need to shove it in his face that of course she knew. I had been trying my best to be civil, and I wasn't going to forsake my efforts now.

His young defiance returned. "She's in love with me, too, you know." And yet he sighed. "But she doesn't know it." He sounded so defeated that I almost pitied him. Almost.

"I can't tell you if you're right." And that was the truth. Because I could see that Bella cared for Jacob, certainly. That was not something anyone could be blind to. But, on the subject of love, I was uncertain. I could read most things from her. Perhaps my mind was afraid of the answer.

"Does that bother you? Do you wish you could see what she's thinking, too?"

Did I ever! "Yes…and no, again. She likes it better this way and, though it sometimes drives me insane, I'd rather she was happy." Which was absolutely, incomprehensibly true. I put Bella's happiness above anything else. Except her wellbeing, of course. The topic of which brought me to a feeling I was contemplating. Was it possible that I was feeling grateful for the dog's presence? "Thank you. Odd as this might sound, I suppose I'm glad you're here, Jacob."

"You mean, 'as much as I'd love to kill you, I'm glad she's warm,' right?" Funny, how he knew.

Maybe we weren't so different after all. No. I was wrong there. Because, as painful as it was to admit, he was alive. And I…_wasn't_. "It's an uncomfortable truce, isn't it?"

"I knew you were just as crazy jealous as I am." I almost laughed at the boy's smugness. He seemed to be so proud of himself for uncovering the fact that I'm not perfect. I had known that for over a century, now. It wasn't like it was a mystery waiting to be solved.

"I'm not such a fool as to wear it on my sleeve like you do," I retorted. Because that was certainly true. Bella had no reason to know the irrationally strong jealousy she inspired. She needn't think that little of me. Was that petty of me? To keep those things from her? It didn't matter. Her happiness, that was what mattered. She's deluded herself into believing I'm flawless. Now _there's_ a delusion! "It doesn't help your case, you know."

"You have more patience than I do." I really hoped so!

"I should. I've had a hundred years to gain it. A hundred years of waiting for _her_." Which wasn't exactly what he had waited, was it?

Jacob decided to carry on with the interrogation. "So…at what point did you decide to play the very patient good guy?"

This was an easy question. "When I saw how much it was hurting her to make her choose. It's not usually this difficult to control. I can smother the…less civilized feelings I may have for you fairly easily most of the time. Sometimes I think she see's through me, but I can't be sure." Another completely honest answer. Seeing the pain in her eyes when I had dismissed her requests to visit La Push was not something I took pleasure in. No matter the unsettling tightening in my stomach at the mere mention of the small reservation, she wanted to be there. And I was keeping her from that. I didn't like to deny her anything. Much less something she had obviously wanted rather insistently.

"I think you were just worried that if you really forced her to choose, she might not choose you." Well, of course that had been part of it! But I wasn't about to give him that self-satisfaction. Honesty be damned. This was where I drew the line.

Then again. My word was one of the few things I had left in this life. I contemplated for a while. "That was part of it," I admitted. "But only a small part. We all have our moments of doubt. Mostly I was worried she'd hurt herself trying to sneak away to see you. After I'd accepted that she was more or less safe with you- as safe as Bella ever is- it seemed best to stop driving her to extremes."

Jacob sighed. "I'd tell her all this, but she'd never believe me."

And therein lies my advantage, mongrel. A smile crossed my mouth. "I know."

"You think you know everything." He was begrudging. I mean, he couldn't deny that my knowledge base was significantly larger than his. But that was certainly no fault of his own. As with my patience, I had had over a century to obtain everything I knew. And the majority of that time was spent absorbing it all with a mind that could never forget.

But I don't know everything. "I don't know the future." I was aware of how unsure my voice was.

Silence engulfed the tent for a while, and then Jacob broke it. "What would you do if she changed her mind?"

I repressed a sigh. "I don't know that either."

Jacob chuckled. "Would you try to kill me?" His voice held an immense load of sarcasm, and he obviously doubted my ability to do so. Perhaps if I was an average vampire he would have reason to be confident. But had he forgotten I would know his every move, before he even began to make it? Had he forgotten I would be read through any façade he attempted? But that was not the issue at hand.

"No."

"Why not?" Jacob still taunted.

"Do you really think I would hurt her that way?" That was the only thing stopping me, even now. Had our situations been reversed, my feelings and principles would remain.

Jacob hesitated, and then let out a sigh. "Yeah, you're right. I know that's right. But sometimes…" He trailed off.

"Sometimes it's an intriguing idea," I provided.

I heard the poorly muffled laughter as Jacob shoved his face into the sleeping bag. Eventually, his composure regained, he replied. "Exactly."

"What's it like? Losing her? When you thought that you'd lost her forever? How did you…cope?"

This was a question I was fairly unwilling to answer. "That's very difficult for me to talk about." But the boy waited, and I could see he wasn't going to allow me the luxury of keeping this particular information to myself. "There were two different times that I thought that." I slowed my voice, not wanting to break down in front of Jacob. I wasn't being tedious, although it could have appeared that way. I was simply trying to maintain my composure. "The first time, when I thought I could leave her…that was….almost bearable. Because I thought she would forget me and it would be like I hadn't touched her life." Although that comfort had also been a great pain. Would she forget me? After every time I had expressed my deepest adoration of her, could she still forget me? That had been…hell. "For over six months I was able to stay away, to keep my promise that I wouldn't interfere again. It was getting close- I was fighting, but I knew I wasn't going to win; I would have come back…just to check on her. That's what I would have told myself, anyway. And if I'd found her reasonably happy…I like to think that I could have gone away again." Who was I kidding? One glimpse of her and I would never have left her side again. Even if she _had _been happy…I would have stayed. "But she wasn't happy. And I would've stayed. That's how she convinced me to stay with her tomorrow, of course. You were wondering about that before, what could possibly motivate me…what she was feeling so needlessly guilty about. She reminded me of what it did to her when I left- what it still does to her when I leave. She feels horrible about bringing that up, but she's right. I'll never be able to make up for that, but I'll never stop trying anyway." Because, just to see the tightening in her eyes when she even mentions that time. Not of anger. But of a deep, penetrating sadness. She doesn't blame me for it. But I do. How could I not? I left her with the intentions of keeping her safe. But the consequences of my absence put Bella in more danger than ever. How am I_ not_ to blame?

I wished he would not ask the next question. I wished it so very hard. But when were my wishes ever fulfilled? "And the other time- when you thought she was dead?" An image of Bella filled my mind. But it wasn't the one that brought warmth to my long-dead heart, and her smile to my mouth. It was the one that haunted me. It was the one where her pale, marble skin dazzled in the sunlight. And her bright, red eyes shone with the sign of her recent entry into my world. I only just held back the fearful, resentful shudder that threatened to run down my spine. I didn't want _that_ outcome anymore than Jacob.

"Yes. It will probably feel that way to you, won't it? The way you perceive us, you might not be able to see her as_ Bella_ anymore. But that's who she'll be."

"That's not what I asked." I could understand that his patience wasn't what mine was.

My voice was forceful. I wasn't angry at the boy for asking. He was simply trying to prepare himself for the pain that awaited him. I was reacting to the surge of emotions that had attacked my body. Agony. Dread. Fear. Passion. I was unprepared for any of these. "I can't tell you how it felt. There aren't words." Because there aren't. Even the emotions I feel don't describe to its fullest extent. It's a pain so deep, so penetrating, that earthly words cannot encompass its full meaning.

"But you left because you didn't want to make her a bloodsucker. You_ want_ her to be human."

My voice slowed again. But this time...I didn't know why. "Jacob, from the second that I realized that I loved her, I knew there were only four possibilities. The first alternative, which would be the best one for Bella, would be if she didn't feel as strongly for me- if she got over me and moved on. I would accept that, though it would never change the way I felt. You think of me as a…living stone- hard and cold. That's true. We are set the way we are, and it is very rare for us to experience a real change. When that happens, as when Bella entered my life, it's a permanent change. There's no going back…" As if I'd ever want to!

"The second alternative, the one I'd originally chosen, was to stay with her throughout her human life. It wasn't a good option for her, to waste her life with someone who couldn't be human with her, but it was the alternative I could most easily face. Knowing all along that, when she died, I would find a way to die, too. Sixty years, seventy years- it would seem like a very short time to me…But then it proved much too dangerous for her to live in such close proximity with my world. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, did. Or hung over us…waiting to go wrong. I was terrified that I wouldn't get those sixty years if I stayed near her while she was human." That my presence would shorten her life span was not something I was prepared to face.

"So I chose option three. Which turned out to be the worst mistake of my very long life, as you know. I chose to take myself out of her world, hoping to force her into the first alternative. It didn't work, and it very nearly killed us both." More than he would ever know. More than _she_ would ever know.

"What do I have left but the fourth option? It's what she wants- at least, she thinks she does. I've been trying to delay her, to give her time to find a reason to change her mind, but she's very…stubborn. You know _that._ I'll be lucky to stretch this out a few more months. She has a horror of getting older, and her birthday's in September…"

"I like option one." Jacob's mutter reached me. I didn't feel the need to respond. He added, "You know _exactly_ how much I hate to accept this, but I can see that you do love her, in your way…I can't argue with that anymore. Given that, I don't think you should give up on the first alternative, not yet. I think there's a very good chance that she would be okay. After time. You know, if she hadn't jumped off that stupid cliff in March…and if you'd waited another six months to check on her…Well, you might have found her reasonably happy. I had a game plan."

I chuckled. "Maybe it would have worked, " I allowed. "It was a well thought-out plan."

"Yeah," A sigh accompanied his agreement. "But…" His whisper sped up, but it was still clear to me. "give me a year, bl- Edward. I really think I could make her happy. She's stubborn, no one knows that better than I do, but she's capable of healing. She would have healed before. And she could be human, with Charlie and Renee, and she could grow up and have kids and…be Bella. You love her enough to see the advantages of that plan. She thinks you're very unselfish…are you really? Can you consider the idea that I might be better for her than you are?"  
Could I consider it? I already had. So. Many. Times. And each time I came up with the same answer: Of course he was! But that didn't make a difference to my selfish, barbaric heart. Because I loved Bella too much to care that my presence in her life was a great and frightening blow to her safety. "I _have_ considered it. In som ways, you would be better for her than another human. Bella takes some looking after, and you're strong enough that you could protect her from herself, and from everything that conspires against her. You _have_ done that already, and I'll owe you for that for as long as I live- forever- whichever comes first…I even asked Alice if she could see that- see if Bella would be better off with you. She couldn't, of course. She can't see you, and then Bella's sure of her course, for now. But I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before, Jacob. I won't try to force her into that first option again. As long as she wants me, I'm here."

Jacob was in a challenging mood tonight. "And if she were to decide that she wanted me? Okay, it's a long shot, I'll give you that." He may think so, but I…I saw just how short of a shot it was…

"I would let her go."

"Just like that?" He sounded shocked, and disappointed.

"In the sense that I'd never show her how hard it was for me, yes." And it would certainly be hard. "But I would keep watch. You see, Jacob, _you_ might leave _her_ someday. Like Sam and Emily, you wouldn't have a choice. I would always be waiting in the wings, hoping for that to happen."

A quiet snort came from Jacob, and I was sure he did nothing to hold it back. "Well you've been much more honest than I had any right to expect…Edward. Thanks for letting me in your head."

"As I said, I'm feeling oddly grateful for your presence in her life tonight. It was the least I could do…You know, Jacob, if it weren't for the fact that we're natural enemies and that you're also trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you." Which was probably true. I mean, Jacob reminded me of Emmett in many ways. It wasn't that the boy was hard to get along with. It was just that the universe hadn't put us in any situations where it was possible for us to get along.

"Maybe…if you weren't a disgusting vampire who was planning to suck out the life of the girl I love…well, no, not even then."

I chuckled. See what I mean?

Then I remember I had a puzzle that perhaps Jacob could help me solve. "Can I ask you something?"

"Why would you have to ask?"

"I can only hear it if you think of it. It's just a story that Bella seemed reluctant to tell me about the other day. Something about a third wife…?"

"What about it?" The story was brought to the mutt's thoughts and I nearly jumped to my feet in my rage. Of course! It all fit. Why she wanted to be in the clearing. Why she wanted to _do what little she can_. I couldn't believe I had been so daft! A hissed escaped my ever-slipping self-control. "What?" Jacob's demand came again.

I was seething. "Of course. Of course! I rather wish your elders had kept _that _story to themselves, Jacob."

"You don't like the leeches being painted as the bad guys? You know, they _are_. Then _and_ now." How could he think I was concerned about _that_! I didn't give a damn if my kind was portrayed as exactly what they were! I was this infuriated by one thing only- infringements on Bella's safety.

"I really couldn't care less about that part. Can't you guess which character Bella would identify with?"

And of course it took him a minute. I shouldn't have been surprised. "Oh. Ugh. The third wife. Okay, I see your point."

"She wants to be there in the clearing. To do what little she can, as she puts it." I let out a sigh. "That was the secondary reason for my staying with her tomorrow. She's quite inventive when she wants something."

"You know, your military brother gave her the idea just as much as the story did."

There was no advantage to arguing this point. "Neither side meant any harm."

"And when does _this_ little truce end? First light? Or do we wait until after the fight?"

We both considered it for a while, letting the comfortable silence engulf us. "First light," we whispered simultaneously, and we couldn't help laughing.

"Sleep well, Jacob. Enjoy the moment." It was quiet for a minute or so, until I realized just how he planned to do so. I groaned. "I didn't mean that quite so literally." They were only thoughts, but that alone was very annoying.

"Sorry." I heard the taunt before he said it, but I decided to let him, anyway. What harm could it do? "You could leave, you know- give us a little privacy."

Just because it didn't do any harm, didn't mean I couldn't retaliate. "Would you like me to _help_ you sleep, Jacob?"

I knew he wouldn't be concerned. "You could try. It would be interesting to see who walked away, wouldn't it?"

"Don't tempt me too far, wolf. My patience isn't _that_ perfect."

Although his laugh was a whisper, it still reached my ears. "I'd rather not move just now, if you don't mind."

His thoughts resumed, right where they had paused. I hummed Bella's lullaby to tune it out, and to calm myself.

**Alrighty, I guess it's time to make this clarification. I am TEAM SWITZ. Because I love them both. I mean, Edward is the guy I wish I could have. The one who puts you before himself. The one who's life centers around yours. The one who loves you unconditionally, inevitably. But Jacob is the guy that, realistically, I want. Because guys like him actually exist! He's the sweet, "I love you" type guy. While still maintaining the whole "tough guy" thing that makes him attractive in the first place. But I am (DEFINITELY) not Team Bella. Frankly, I hate her. She's whiny. She's pathetic. She's weak. She's...stupid. It's just unbelievable that either Edward or Jacob could ever want her. But...that's just me. Feel free to tell me your thoughts on the matter in a REVIEW:) Yes, I, like any other fanfic author, am in desperate, never-ending want of reviews. I think I should have a never ending supply. ;) **

**Love Always, Mirder**


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